Friday Nights in Wonderland

In the ongoing struggle of a mother's identity comes a weekly reminder: Friday night. Not to say that I had a life before the child, but it was just different...and I was content with it.

9:00pm- The restaurant closes, things are winding down. My 2 best friends are getting off work, sitting down for a glass of wine. I have to be there until 10 to do the bookwork and wait for the cooks to finish cleaning and set the alarm. After my work is finished, we buy a bottle of wine and sit down and catch up, laugh, reminisce, tell stories about our crazy customers, etc. We never want to leave, but know that the alarm company will call if we stay too late, so we say goodbye...I go home and make some late dinner for myself...watch some 90210 or an equally comforting show from my childhood and drift off to sleep with peaceful thoughts.

That used to be my Friday night for many years.

It's somewhat different tonight.

9:00pm- I lay down on the floor next to my little girl's crib.

"Mommy...hand?"

I put my hand through the slats of the crib and she grasps my index finger like she did when it was just a reflex at birth. After a few minutes I look up and see her little face illuminated by the soft orange glow of the musical seahorse. She looks like an absolute angel with her eyes closed, her gorgeous eyelashes looking like sleeping butterflies.

"OH! Mommy! Where's mermaid crab?!" (we had bought a little Sebastian beanie toy at the Disney store today)

"He's out front, do you want me to get him?" .....silence....

"You have to say yes or no, sweetie. I can't see you." (seahorse had gone dark by now)

"Yes, mommy."

"Ok,lay down and I will get him for you."

(Upon my return...) "Oh! Mermaid crab! Thank you mommy!"

"You're welcome...his name is Sebastian."

"Ooohhh, Bastian?"

"Yes, this is his first night in the crib. Can you show him how you go nite nite?"

"Ok. Mommy...hand?"

I reach through the slats again. I feel a soft claw being shoved into my hand.

"Mommy hold Bastian's hand."

She is showing Sebastian how she goes nite nite.

These are the times I am thrilled to have walked through that looking glass...