I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues

I wouldn't classify it as post partum depression. I do get sad in overwhelming waves, but they are the kind of waves that rock you from underneath, not the kind that come crashing down on your head and almost drown you. That was the feeling I got when I had to go back to the maternity ward when my baby was a newborn to pick up a proof of birth for the FMLA people. It was a wave that I saw off in the distance, approaching closer, that I thought I could swim away from if I was fast enough. I got my paperwork from admitting, turned to head to the elevator as fast as I could, but I made the mistake of turning and looking right at the wave as it hit me with crushing force. I looked down the hallway to where my room was, where the wheeled me in from surgery, first door on the right. I was paralyzed with fear becauase I had never been caught by a wave like this...I didn't even know how to surf, much less swim at this point. When it hits, the feeling is frightening. I actually felt like I was drowning, I couldn't breathe.

This is more of a rolling wave, the kind that can sometimes throw you off your boogie board, but if you're prepared you can get right back on. I've fallen off the boogie board a few times lately, but I've managed to get back on without too much help.

I'm using the crib right now as a dresser of sorts while Bailey sleeps in the Pack n Play but she's getting too big for it and needs the big crib. I've been trying to clean it out for a couple weeks now. Going through clothes that don't fit your baby anymore and putting them in that "hopefully I'll have another one who gets to wear this...if it's a girl" box. There's a voice in my head saying "How exciting, moving on to the new adventure!" and the other one saying "Where did my little tiny baby go?" The scariest part of this storm is that I know this feeling will continue throughout my entire life. These two voices will have to battle it out for all eternity.

The first round of clothes was a little easier a few months ago when she didn't wear them for long, so there weren't many memories attached to them. She's been in these clothes for longer (I know, be thankful at least we got a lot of wear from them!) but it's hard to get rid of something with these little memory tags attached: "first smile", "first laugh", "first vacation", etc.

The only analogy I can come up with to describe how I feel is that it's like my daughter leaves every night forever and a new one is born every morning. I can't mourn the loss of her each day when I'm celebrating the birth of something new at the same time. It makes me sad when I think about it, which makes it very hard to look back, and herein lies the problem. I need to be able to look back fondly at clothes, pictures, videos, toys and not cry because I miss the baby attached to them in my mind. I need to do this soon and create a brain shift now before I let this get me down forever. You might say it's just hormones, and I hope you're right. But only my parents and I remember how deep I would sink into "depression" (it was nonstop crying sessions, but I don't want to be so dramatic as to say it was actual depression) after anything exciting happened. A birthday party, a friend staying over, the birth of a sibling, even just a really pretty rainy day. I got to the point where I would not look forward to the event as much as I should have because I knew I would be sad about it being over when it was.Pathetic.

I kind of wondered why I didn't get this way right after Bailey was born. I thought I'd "miss" being pregnant and it would start right away. Well, I didn't know about pregnancy amnesia and that helped out a lot. But now this starts. Lovely. No amnesia here. I can't forget anything when there's a little person to prove it really happened. A little person to remind me how short life really is and how much I have to appreciate each and every day.

Now I wonder how long it will take me to clean that crib out...